With a Little Hope, Faith and Love
by drewandian
Summary: Everyone has a breaking point. Elizabeth reaches hers on Christmas Eve and is surprised to find John there to help her through it.


**Title: **With a Little Hope, Faith and Love

**Author: **drewandian

**Rating:** PG-13

**Word Count:** 2,612

**Genre: **Hurt/Comfort/Romance/Angst (with a happy ending)

**Summary:** Everyone has a breaking point. Elizabeth reaches hers and is surprised to find John there to see her through it.

**Author's Note:** HUGE thanks to abracah and the_scary_kitty for all their beta help. This fic would honestly not be if it weren't for them! *hugs*

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. I just like to bring them out to play from time to time

Elizabeth stood on the balcony, leaning against the support and looking wistfully out across the ocean. She breathed the salty air in deeply, letting it out on a sigh. Behind her, the door to her office was open and the sounds of the party below floated up to her. Closer, she could hear the strains of the Celtic music she'd set to randomly play from her laptop. The rich full tones and lilting melodies usually relaxed her and helped her focus. Tonight, however the haunting melodies just made her feel empty and lonely.

She started to think about Earth, her mom. . . Simon. It had been years since she had _really_ thought about him, finding it easier to push all the hurt and anger aside and channel that energy into her work. Now, alone on the balcony, she began to realize that she'd also used their break up to push people here in Atlantis away too. She'd used it as her excuse to be alone, to worry in silence, to ignore feelings she may have, in another lifetime, acted on; a relationship she may have pursued.

The feelings of emptiness and loneliness intensified as her mind started to wander, flitting over memories from the past week. Memories of Sheppard's and Lorne's teams, on a mission together, failing to report; of them not coming home; of the search and rescue mission almost going horribly wrong.

She closed her eyes against the memory of Teyla and John coming through the gate unconscious and battered, of two young soldiers coming through barely alive. The others had been able to walk on their own, but were bruised and beaten as well.

Through it all, John and Teyla's recoveries, Lorne's and McKay's reports, the deaths of the two severely injured soldiers and the subsequent memorial service for them, Elizabeth had maintained her strong, stoic demeanor. She was well aware that she had to set the standard for everyone's reactions. Now, though, out on the balcony, listening to the soft strains of the music coming from her office, Elizabeth could feel herself beginning to break. She sighed as a solitary tear slid hotly down her cheek.

"Hey…" Elizabeth jumped and quickly wiped away the tear at the sound of John's voice, soft and low. "People have been asking about you." He walked over to the railing and stood with his back leaning against it. He tried to catch her eye, but Elizabeth looked away quickly. "Everything okay?" he asked gently.

"No." she answered automatically, slightly taken aback by her honesty. Since when had it become impossible for her to lie to John? "I...I will be." She stammered, repeating the words he had said to her so long ago, during the Genii attack on Atlantis. She tried to smile, not being entirely successful. She continued to avoid looking at him, not wanting him to see just how much his – their – latest escapades had almost broken her.

"Yes. I'm sure you _will_ be…but…well, right now you're really not, are you?" John asked gently, reaching out to put a hand on her arm. "Elizabeth? You can talk to me…" his voice trailed as he heard her sniffle.

"I know." She meant to sound strong and sure, but the words came out as a whisper, rough with emotion. She cleared her throat and tried again. "I know. And really, I will be fine. I…I just gave myself too much time to think." She sighed and turned to look at him, guilt flooding her when she saw the bruises on his face and neck. Even on the half-lit balcony they stood out sharply.

John caught a glimpse of that guilt reflected in her eyes before she remembered to hide it.

"Elizabeth, this isn't your fault. You did everything you could. And you got us back…" he stopped, frowning as she shook her head.

"John, we lost two men…almost lost Teyla...and...and you." Her voice broke again. "And for what?" she asked angrily. "Continuing our search for the ever-elusive ZPM's? Chasing down the Wraith or the Replicators or who-knows-what-else before they can find us?" she spat, uncharacteristically bitter. The more she stood there on that balcony, the typically relaxing music almost taunting her, the angrier she got.

It became harder to hold it in. She wanted to lash out. That was something Dr. Weir could never do; something Elizabeth would never _allow_ herself to do. She felt something inside her finally snap.

"How many good people have we lost, John? How many good people have _I_ sent through that gate, never to return again? How many lives have _I_ put in jeopardy over and over again?! And all to satisfy my selfish need to change the world, to make an impact?" Hot tears of anger and frustration slid down her cheeks and dripped from her chin but she ignored them. "How can you stand there and tell me that it's not my fault, Colonel? _I'm_ the one who sends you through the gate – while I stay here – and _I'm_ the one who takes chances with your lives. God, John, how many times have I made decisions that have almost killed you?" Her voice rose and she fought to keep from sounding hysterical as she thought back to the time Kolya had kidnapped John and allowed a Wraith to gradually drain his life away. She pressed a trembling hand to her mouth and bit back a sob, her eyes wide and shining with unshed tears.

"Elizabeth, "John stepped forward and closed the space between them. "Everyone on this expedition made the choice to be here. No one, not even _you_, forced them to come. We all had a pretty good idea of what we were getting ourselves into when we walked through that gate. We knew the risks we were taking. It would have been pretty naïve for anyone to believe that we wouldn't run into some bad guys along the way." John paused, forcing Elizabeth to meet his eyes.

"Every single member of the military faction of this expedition accepted the risks they were taking the day they signed on that dotted line and swore their oath to protect their country. And you can't seriously think that the scientists weren't aware of the chances they were taking, what with leaving the galaxy and all." He finished sarcastically.

He reached out without even thinking and wiped the tears from Elizabeth's cheeks. "This is war, Elizabeth, and people will be injured, people will die. That is not your fault!" She opened her mouth to disagree and he put a finger to her lips to silence her. "No…you are doing your job. You're not pulling the trigger; you're not ordering the beatings; you're doing your job! No one is blaming you!" She opened her mouth to disagree again, and again he silenced her with a finger to her lips. "Okay...except maybe Kavanaugh….and the IOA…but they don't know what they're talking about." He finished with a smirk.

Elizabeth felt a smile tug at her lips and cursed John's power over her, his ability to make her forget everything else.

She sighed again, reaching out to lightly trace the dark angry bruise on John's cheek with trembling fingers.

"Logically, I know you're right. And I know you'd all keep going out there and getting into trouble, even without my ordering you to do it. I just don't know how many more letters, cryptic letters at that, I can write to families who don't even know where their loved ones are or what they're doing. I don't know how much more I can take…seeing the people I've grown to care deeply about coming back through the gate beaten and bruised." Her voice shook and she took a deep breath. "I don't know if I can keep watching the man I've fallen in love with put his life at risk, all on my orders."

'Whoa…' she thought. 'Where did _that_ come from!?' she gasped, her eyes widening more in shock. She had spent so much time and energy keeping everyone at an arm's length that she hadn't even realized that she was falling in love with John. It seemed her subconscious knew, and that it had decided to point it out now of all times.

She took a step back, thinking that if she created a physical distance she could lessen the intensity of her words. John's eyes locked with hers, and try as she might, she couldn't force herself to look away. She tried to say something, anything, to fix it, but she couldn't find the words. She fidgeted uncomfortably, pinned by John's gaze, waiting for him to react.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, John took a deep breath and moved closer to Elizabeth.

"Fallen in love with?" he breathed, his voice low and rough. "Elizabeth?" HHe reached out to take her hand and she backed up again, bumping into the support she'd been leaning against earlier.

John kept his eyes on hers, his stare asking her everything his words couldn't. She sucked in a deep breath and bit her lower lip, trying to figure out how to talk her way out of the mistaken admission of her feelings; to regain her control on her emotions; on the situation.

"John . . .I . . ." she stammered, trying to find some distraction, some way to avoid his questions. She reached up to run her fingers over John's bruised cheek again. John caught the sadness that flashed ever so briefly in her eyes. "I really am sorry, John. Does it hurt a lot?"

"Nah…just a bruise, nothing's even broken. And you don't have to apologize." He let her avoid his questions, for the time being anyway and turned his head and kissed her fingertips gently. Elizabeth's breath caught, her cheeks flushing.

"All of those people down there trust your judgment and they are down there, celebrating the people they've also come to care about, not mourning the lives that have been lost. You may not have noticed, but it's Christmas Eve – and your family is down there, waiting for you. I think that, in the spirit of Christmas, we need a fresh start. Sure, we've lost a lot of good men and women, but we've done a lot of good too. You can't let yourself lose sight of that or you'll make yourself crazy."

Elizabeth quirked an eyebrow at him. "You're not getting all philosophical on me now, are you? I never had you pegged as the type." She realized that they were still standing close, too close, to each other and tried to step back, coming into full contact with the wall. "Fresh starts, working for the greater good, having faith…I'm not sure how much of that I believe anymore. I've seen too many horrific things happen to good people to feel any satisfaction in the alliances I've negotiated. I'm tired, John." She sighed, sadness lining her face and filling her eyes. Now, though, she didn't try to hide it. She could feel her earlier sadness and loneliness settling into her bones, her shoulders visibly sagging under the weight of her emotions.

"C'mere." John whispered roughly, pulling her into his arms and threading his fingers into her hair. Elizabeth surprised them both by clinging to him tightly, burying her face into the crook of his neck. "You don't have to do this alone. You've never had to. I….I've just been waiting for you to ask…to let me be there…to do _this_." John realized that with Elizabeth's earlier slip, and his _almost_ admission now, they were walking a very fine line. He hesitated, considering carefully if he should say anything else, when he felt Elizabeth's lips tentatively brush his neck.

"Elizabeth?" he whispered, his voice breaking slightly.

"Hmmm?" she responded, placing firmer kisses up his neck and along his jaw line.

John groaned quietly. "Uh…whatcha doin'?"

"It should be pretty obvious…" she quipped, dropping feather light kisses on his cheek and toward his ear.

"Well…yeah...bu..." his breath caught as she nipped his earlobe gently. "But why exactly?" he cringed at how the words sounded as he more or less squeaked them out. Elizabeth sighed and pulled back enough to meet John's hazel eyes with her green ones.

She thought about what John had said – about not losing sight of the good they've done, of how they'd protected not only Atlantis but Earth too, about how he had always been there silently offering his support and strength.

She realized now that sometime over the years she had, without a shadow of a doubt, fallen in love with him; that he had simply been waiting for her to figure it all out. She figured she had two choices: she could reject what John was offering and be alone or she could take that chance and let him be there. What had he said? Make a fresh start…

John watched Elizabeth intently as she was thinking, afraid to say anything until she did. Seconds felt like minutes, minutes like hours as he watched her; he could practically hear the argument she was having with herself and bit back a smirk.

When she finally spoke, it was so quiet that John had to strain to hear her. "I don't want to feel so alone anymore." She cleared her throat, her voice stronger as she continued. "I want – no, I need – to know that all of the bad things, all of the loss, weren't in vain. I need to be reminded that there is still wonder and beauty out there. And you're the only person I can imagine being strong enough to do that for me. You're right – about everything – and it _is_ time to start fresh, to take chances, to stop being so afraid all the time."

She bit her lower lip and held her breath, half-expecting John to reject her, to accuse her of asking for all of this simply because she was shaken up and feeling lonely.

She felt what little control she'd regained start to snap again and considered simply taking what she wanted – no, _needed_ – from John. A small part of her was sure he wouldn't protest, and she fought hard against her desire to relinquish all of her control and simply act on instinct.

John absently rubbed her back as he chose his words carefully.

"Elizabeth…I…this…" he took a deep breath and licked his lips nervously. "I can't do this part way. I need you to let me in, to let me be there for you through everything, not just when you start to lose control. If you can't do that, I won't – _can't _- let this go any further." He cupped her face with his hand, his thumb caressing her cheek softly. His eyes bored into hers, showing her exactly how he felt, finally not hiding or holding anything back.

Elizabeth shivered under his penetrating gaze and considered everything he'd told her, shown her. She considered his words carefully – he wanted all or nothing – and in one last uncharacteristically out of control moment decided that _nothing_ was an unacceptable option. After everything they'd lost, this was one thing she could hold on to.

She put her hand over his, turning her faced into his touch and kissing his palm.

"You've always had all of me." She whispered. "I just never wanted to admit that I needed you."

John leaned his head down and kissed Elizabeth gently.

"It's okay…I think I've always known. "he answered.

Elizabeth sighed deeply and settled into John's embrace, 'Silent Night' playing in the background.

"Silent night, Holy night

All is calm, all is bright…"

"Not yet…" she thought, "but it will be…"


End file.
